I was raised in the church – Sunday School (complete with pins to show I passed each year), VBS (Vacation Bible School), youth group, and church several times a week. My parents did everything right in growing me to know Who I believed in.
But then I hit middle school.
Those years when most begin to question and question in a big way. Middle school for me was during the time of peace movements, the hippies, the Beatles, the Monkees, and Alice Cooper (topic of my very first oral report).
It was also the time of 9th grade algebra with Mrs. Kramer (whom I loved!) and drugs being passed around sneakily from desk to desk. Some kids came in high and bragged about it. Others tried to deny it. But we all knew.
The questions began to form inside of me.
And then came my first introduction to the theory of evolution, presented brilliantly and my questions deepened.
So did the feeling of being a spiritual misfit.
The kids in church never talked about their doubts or struggles. We showed up every week as though everything was fine and our belief system firmly intact. I doubt anyone would have suspected I even had any doubts at all.
Gratefully, I was able to openly and comfortably discuss my doubts with my parents. It was weeks of discussion, or maybe it was debate, as I shared what I was learning in school.
As the struggle grew strong and the battle for my faith heated up, one Sunday upon leaving church I asked him if I could have a few minutes to talk to him.
Our pastor was a small man with a relatively quiet demeanor. His preaching often seemed educated and way too deep for me to understand at times. But I had come to realize one thing, he knew God’s Word. While he seemed surprised, he invited me into his office with my parents and I began to share my questions.
He listened intently, validating my questions and then asked me if we could put my questions on hold for a bit. He asked me to come back to his office after the church service Friday and I agreed. He also asked my parents if he could talk to me alone.
All week I wondered about what he would have to say that he did not want to say in the presence of my parents. Friday just couldn’t seem to come soon enough.
Friday came and I sat in his office, he on one side of his desk and me on the other, it was then he shared ….
“I have struggled with doubts as well.”
He said it quietly, matter of factly, without shame for which I will forever be grateful as I felt relief. After all, he had questioned and had lived to talk about it. There was yet hope for me.
He shared openly, asking me questions. I asked him questions and he gave answers. At the close of our conversation, he handed me a few books on the very topic of evolution. He suggested I read them, taking as long as I needed with them and to be sure to come back and let him know what I thought.
He never ridiculed me nor made me feel ashamed for questioning.
The books were marked and written in. I began to understand this man, our pastor, to be one who read and wrestled his questions out with God. But more so, I discovered a God Who was bigger than my questions and well able to handle my doubts.
And somewhere between my second and third book, I discovered I did indeed believe that God, my God, was the Creator of all things …
Christ is the visible image of the invisible God.
He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation,
for through him God created
everything
in the heavenly realms and on earth.
He made the things we can see
and the things we can’t see –
such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and
authorities in the unseen world.
Everything was created through him and for him.
He existed before anything else,
and he holds all creation together.(Colossians 1: 15-17, NLT)
I cannot say this was my only misfit experience. But it surely paved the way for this truth to be planted in my soul – my God wanted me to come to Him with my questions. He desires a good wrestling with me as He always would win, for His truth does prevail over any question I may raise.
Yes, you might be a spiritual misfit if you doubt and question God.
And it is in the wrestling match, our God transforms you into spiritually fit.
Today I am joining … Sharing His Beauty and Mon. Musings and Inspire Me Mon. and Making Your Home SingĆĀ and Motivation Mon and Chronicles of Grace and She Lives Free .
Love this Joanne. As always, beautiful
Thank you so much, Angie. Finally coming to grips with doubt & wrestling being a part of my journey š Hope you’re having a great Monday!
Beautifully written, Joanne!
So thankful for your parents’ patience and your pastor’s wisdom in letting you know it’s okay to not understand it all or to know exactly what you believe. It’s okay to have questions and doubts.
Thank you for sharing this portion fo your story with us!
So grateful for those who have taught me to wrestle & ask questions. Also grateful I learned to find my answers in & through His Word.
Thank you for stopping here today. I appreciate it!
How wonderful that God gave you this pastor to confide in and share your doubts with. I had a youth minister who was “out of the box” (for our era anyway) who served that role for me. He’d been a spiritual misfit himself so he related to the questions that teenagers threw at him and loved us through them. Thanks for sharing this, Joanne!
Lisa, so glad you also had someone you could relate to & bring your questions. Hoping I will always be approachable to those around me. Thank you for stopping here & sharing as well. Have a great Monday!
God certainly does want us to come to him with our doubts. I think he loves it when we come all vulnerable like that. Thanks for sharing this. Blessings!
I think He honors our vulnerability and guides us through our doubts through to belief. Always good to have you share, Michelle!
If we are honest we have all been here before and probably will be again. God is faithful even when we have doubts. Thankful.
Teresa, you are right. There will surely be times of doubt again. And He will be faithful again and again. Like you, I find myself most thankful for Him. It was good to have you share here today. Thank you!
What a gift to have people in your life who encouraged you to discuss your doubts. You are right that it often is not talked about in churches and other Christian circles. But we DO all doubt. And when we can’t talk about it, it becomes such a lonely, lonely place. I’m glad you feel comfortable sharing here. Thank you for linking with Unforced Rhythms.
Beth, it was truly a gift to have such people in my life. We must talk about our doubts and find encouragement in Him & with one another. It is the best way to dispel the darkness of loneliness. Unforced Rhythms is a most welcoming & comfortable place to make friends!
You raise a necessary truth and a beautiful example of God’s grace extended through His servant. So many times I have said, we have to have not only a heart religion but a brain religion. We can’t be afraid to ask the hard questions and to search out the answers, because they are all there. I was asked one day,” What if I don’t believe the Bible you read is the Truth?”. Rather than argue I was right and they were wrong I chose to elaborate on the historical accuracy of the Bible as related to other texts this individual may accept as authoritative. (I did what I think Jesus would do… meet them where they are.)
Later as I thought about the conversation I realized I could also answer with a few follow up questions, ” How do you know it isn’t? and Havey you really read the book to decide it is untruth?” Because I was reminded that Hebrews 4:12 tells us that the Word of God is alive and powerful and just sending people to the letter of love is enough to draw them in, because it is not by might but by His Spirit that freedom comes and revelation dawns in our hearts.
Great post! I loved that you shared something so relevant.
Blessings,
Dawn
Dawn, I love that verse in Hebrews as I find God’s Word to be alive and living and active in my own life. It truly is by His Spirit that we find freedom and revelation. Both our hearts and minds must be engaged. I love that Jesus replied to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” (Matt. 22:37. He knew all of us must interact with Him to live purposefully.
I am grateful you stopped here, found encouraged, shared & encouraged me as well!
I just loved this post and all the insightful comments you received on it! Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us at Make A Difference Mondays!
I am glad you enjoyed it. There is such freedom in realizing doubt is common to us all. I was happy to join you & hope to return š Have a great weekend!